life is sweet in the belly of the beast

"I apologize… for being so unstable and never knowing when and where I’ll be. or..."

Mon, 14 May 2012 21:50:12 -0400

“I apologize… for being so unstable and never knowing when and where I’ll be. or how I’ll feel. I promise, you’re not the only one I’ve been damaging. nmf/nmq”

- Smileypants at Witty Profiles

Look, people are making weird quote things out of my 16-year old poetry! LOLOLOLOL. And you can google it and find people incorporating it into their own teenage emo poetry like it’s their own! This all reminds me not to put anything I’m actually proud of online haha.

Also I’m really mad my ‘A’ key is sticking/broken :(

i googled this for like an hour and couldnt find an answer. does anyone else take seroquel, except...

Thu, 10 May 2012 05:34:00 -0400

i googled this for like an hour and couldnt find an answer. does anyone else take seroquel, except the newly generic form? has it suddenly “stopped working” (does not make you tired at all when it used to make you fall asleep)?

**thank you for the responses. for the kid who said to meditate, yes, i like what meditation i know, breathing exercises, and relaxation techniques a lot. and i also go to counseling and exercise regularly. don’t want people to think i’m a thoughtless pill popper

i believe in a holistic approach to mental health so that mental illness stays lying dormant…sometimes that has to include medications, unfortunately. just throwin it out there :)

"Life is like a shift at Canobie. You can’t imagine how you’ll live through it, yet year after year..."

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 03:51:23 -0400

“Life is like a shift at Canobie. You can’t imagine how you’ll live through it, yet year after year you find yourself surviving because you’re too cowardly to try anything else.”

- ME. (via lauraaaelizabeth)

OH, IS A TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD RETRUNING FOR HER FIFTH YEAR BECAUSE SHE IS A GIGANTIC LOSER PIECE OF SHIT!?! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I’m really happy about Tumblr’s new policy. It makes me so happy to think that someone...

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 02:15:38 -0400

I’m really happy about Tumblr’s new policy. It makes me so happy to think that someone might be helped, and thousands more people won’t feel upset or triggered.

SAVIOR

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 23:53:42 -0500

savior -
you have your savior.
we all stare when you pray,
cast our eyes down,
shuffle bank statements over bibles on the living room table.

can we save ourselves?
if our only goal is raw survival
and we don’t believe in much aside from:
sleeping, hospitals, basic weather patterns,
or any moment in the future
beyond a few seconds?

you need to LET him save you -
it’s what you always say,
so upon opening your heart or finding him behind the couch,
is it like a golden globe of warmth arriving in your chest?
when your hands are outstretched high as you sing,
are you hoping your fingers might catch his spark?
arms crossed, with half a tear, i’ve told you more than once:
i wish i could believe, but i just don’t

so,

is it something we’re supposed to fake?
fake like we’ve done before:
bleached our hair fake, morphed our bodies into shapes fake,
smiled until our cheeks hurt,
always ‘fake it until you make it,’
but then we’re forced to design our own destinations

savior -
you say we need a savior.
if i stay without him, unlike in living, i know where i will be
in a hundred years from now, particles cruising through the air,
molecules and matter.
i spit cynical, sarcastic:
save your savior,
save yourself.

[STILL, on that night, preparing to take flight by the tenth floor window
that the city inconveniently clamped shut,
even the pigeons looked peculiar by morning
trying to pluck through the other side of the glass,
and i laughed at myself
and thanked someone, who was not myself.]

Pretty much retirin’ this. I’m gonna try and run a constructive blog about mental health...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 23:59:52 -0500

Pretty much retirin’ this. I’m gonna try and run a constructive blog about mental health on my home stomping grounds, Xanga.

tremor question

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 15:23:04 -0500

would anyone know what would cause a rough tremor to come back, after about a year of successfully treating it on medication?

has anyone had similar circumstances? it’s lasted for four days now and doing small tasks (eye liner, nail clipping, sometimes picking stuff up) is getting difficult. i’m trying to drink lots of water in case it’s that. when should i call my doctor? (and if i was to, normal or psych?)

i figure the tumblr community is well versed in things like this…haha…judging from my “audience” this is a good place to ask a question like this. thanks

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Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:32:09 -0500

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Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:28:21 -0500

‘blubbing out’

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:26:39 -0500

‘blubbing out’

he is still here somewhereand i know thati dont want him to leave my sight, or i might forget himand...

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 02:31:46 -0500

he is still here somewhere
and i know that
i dont want him to leave my sight, or i might forget him
and we might need to meet someday
he’ll bump into me, or ill bump into him
a collision course, and i will wretch in sickness

i dont want him next to me
i dont want to keep a close eye on him
i dont want to monitor his progress or his failures
but when he’s gone, he’s just hiding
and i know that

every day i act as a person who never knew him
i am a person who walks on the sidewalks
with everybody else, moving in one direction
and that one week was a part of me
that lasted longer than the rest of my life
that meant more than twenty years combined

i am not a mere vehicle of the sidewalk
maybe my scars are faded, maybe they are paler
but nobody sees what cloth conceals
and what tagged his mark on me lives on deep
maybe burrowed in my neurons

i need to know someone who smiles with the same knowledge
underneath of places deep under the sea
and of places deep under sterile white blankets
and tears too hard to breathe through
where ativan is offered on the nightly menu, 9 pm med drawer
i need to know someone who once knew
the first promise of a new life
of a new healing
and took it and ran with it
and took it and ran from it

life, life divided
this will always be “after”

i do not go to bed at night without my history
in five pill bottles i feel squeezed
into an identity that i cant identify with,
the half a year i went missing from school
the seven years that he alone ruled
and i fought and i fought him until i collapsed with exhaustion

anyone who knows what these lines mean
please come find me
and where are you now
and are you just as lonely
with half of you stored in shelves and fading memories

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Sat, 28 Jan 2012 01:54:38 -0500

‘suck the head for a little extra cajun flavor...

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 03:07:00 -0500

‘suck the head for a little extra cajun flavor (optional)’

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Sat, 21 Jan 2012 03:04:18 -0500

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Sat, 21 Jan 2012 03:02:16 -0500

note: this never worked

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 03:00:31 -0500

note: this never worked

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Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:14:12 -0500

My dad taught me how to sew buttons back on my coat and I really liked that...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:10:00 -0500

My dad taught me how to sew buttons back on my coat and I really liked that sdfklhsidofhfkljklalfwae

Also I just heard an owl…OOPS

OOPS posted this on the wrong thing…too lazy to change it

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Wed, 18 Jan 2012 23:19:00 -0500

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Wed, 18 Jan 2012 23:18:18 -0500